It is not always easy to keep the intimacy with your beloved, while also having jobs, running a household and taking care of children. Our souls naturally long for deeper connections with our sweethearts, but in current day life, what we long for is not always what actually happens. We wish to connect with each other not only physically, but at a more intimate level in which both our souls can dwell together in the same space of happiness. Sometimes this kind of experiences seem like a far away fantasy, and even though intimacy isn’t something that is taught (except in a few tantra courses), luckily it is in fact something that you can learn and that can be trained.
We can probably all agree that schools are not the best place to learn intimacy, and often nor is even family life. It is something you learn through trial and error, and most people error a lot, due to a lack of good examples. Nowadays it isn’t easy to find a real role model in intimacy. Children and teenagers growing up look at their parents in order to learn, but the parents often have their own issues and limitations, and their relationship is not ideal either. In this article, we wish to shed some light on the importance and potentials of real, deep intimacy.
Why intimacy?
When you are able to create real depth in intimacy with yourself and your beloved, you can even bring it into your daily life; with your family, friends and even colleagues. Life can truly transform through intimacy. Intimacy connects you and your beloved at the level of the soul. It is the secret thread that gently holds the two of you together. By being truly intimate with each other, you can connect at a much deeper level than what is possible at the physical or even mental level. Our hearts have a naturally in-built longing for this deep level of intimacy, and for finding that special heart-connection with one another. Intimacy brings the opportunity to delve together in that space where you can feel really and deeply united with the other, a place where there is no more you or them, but only us. You can unite so deeply with the other that you go beyond the layers of your own ego and discover that you are connected with everything that exists.
First steps in a deeper intimacy
One first and very important step in becoming more intimate with each other, is actually to become more intimate with yourself. When you are able to be intimate with the deep needs and feelings of your own soul, it also becomes easier to connect to the deep needs and feelings of the other one’s soul, whether that is your partner, your neighbour, a friend or family member. Becoming more intimate with yourself happens by truly feeling what is going on inside you. What are you feeling, at every level of your being, and what deep needs and longings do you have? Intimacy with yourself also equals a deep honesty with yourself.
One blockage people often experience in intimacy, is when it becomes difficult to be empathic with the other person. As soon as the empathy disappears, the connection with the other also goes out of the window. This happens when you are not able to connect with a certain part of yourself, and thus also not with that part in the other. In order to overcome this, you would first need to connect with that aspect in yourself.
How tantra massage can deepen self-intimacy
By receiving a tantric massage, you can learn to feel yourself more and you can thus become more intimate with yourself. Gradually, by being relaxed and present, without any rushing, you can just feel. You can feel what is present and alive in you. You can start to discover and ask yourself who this person, ‘me’, really is. How does it actually feel to be me? From there, gradually, you can also learn to be with another person. How is it to be really you, without any masks, pretends, facades, while also being with another person? How is it to be in closeness and togetherness with another human being, without trying to be someone, or without trying to perform or please? How is it to be just you?
As a couple, you can come for a tantra massage together in order to learn this. After the massage, you may feel inspired to be genuinely together when you go home. Through your own individual experiences in the massage, and by being intimate with yourself, you can start building the intimacy in your relationship in a new and more profound way.
Overcoming disconnection
In love relationships, people sometimes act out of disconnection. This is noticeable when for example people start to ‘strike deals’, doing things because there is a belief of needing to ‘pay back’ to the other, having expectations from the other, putting up masks in order to hide parts of themselves, or trying to make the other happy by not being happy themselves. When you notice these attitudes, you are most likely already in a state of disconnection, and not truly offering from the love of your heart. These moments are in fact cues and little reminders to come back to yourself; to be intimate with your own being again, in order to also re-establish the intimacy in your relationship.
When you are deeply connected with one another, these kind of ‘deals’ don’t happen. As already mentioned, through massage you can become more connected with yourself and thus also with the other. When couples come for a massage and manage to create a deeper level of intimacy and togetherness, they often also feel to go explore these experiences even more. This is possible by learning to offer massage to each other.
Intimate touch
Offering massage to each other is a very special way of training intimacy. First and foremost, you learn to become free from expectations, without frustrations of what did or didn’t happen. You learn to give from your heart, fully, and without expecting anything in return. You learn to become a channel of love to your beloved. While at the same time, the other one, who is receiving, is learning how to fully and truly receive and to be present in that. There is no stopping halfway through in order to ‘take turns’. Instead, the one receiving fully receives.
When both of you are able to completely embody these two roles – both the giving role as well as the receiving role – you can start giving and receiving in the same time. This is the moment, almost as if by magic, when the fulfilment of both lovers’ needs will come to fruition. The idea that you take turns in giving and receiving, doesn’t exist any more and is isn’t necessary any more. Instead, what happens is a mutual sharing of love in the space of the united hearts.
Real intimate touch has nothing to do with where you touch, but how you touch. Intimate touch includes full presence, exactly there where the touch is happening. Many people touch and they’re not really present, thinking of something else, or they believe intimate touch just means touching the genitals. When practising intimate touch, you learn to switch on your attention and direct it there where the fingertips are touching the other, in this way becoming fully present in the touch and in the place where the touch is happening. When you learn to give and receive massage, you gradually train to be really present in touch.
Do you want to learn more about couple massages and teachings for couples? Here are the respective links: